Update: One of my best friends thought that i have done an emotional outburst. So she took pains to edit it for me. Here goes the post

This is a very personal post, dedicated to my mom, on her birthday  – March 17th. It is a lengthy read and if you like only short posts, please skip this!

And, if you loved reading this post, go tell your mom how much you love her. Don’t waste time!

I always say “Love never happens by default” – you can’t love a person because he is someway related to you. But Moms are exceptions! 🙂

May be a few people will not like their mothers but no one hates them. And for a lot, like me,“Moms are the greatest”... I love my Mom, not for what she was to me, but for the wonderful woman that she was! Her real name was Magdalene and the guy who wrote her birth certificate didn’t know the spelling – and he wrote it as Maxilina.
She was the eldest of 6 siblings. She lost her father at a very early age and she became the prime focal point and supporter of the family. She took nursing training and started earning for her family. She became friends with my dad in the hospital where they worked together in Tanjore and then fell in love, ended up marrying each other for the love that they had for each other.

My grand pa (father’s dad) never approved of this love marriage and hence my mom and dad lived an extremely tough life during the initial days of their life together. Both my dad and mom have to give away their salaries every month to each of their family. Even for every little need, they had to look for money from my grand dad. And of course there were those typical in-law issues to put up with. I was never fond of my grandma for these very same reasons. I was told that the birth of my brother in the first year of marriage just added to the existing complications. I am the second son, born after 5 years of marriage.

My mom was a wonderful woman. Very bold and determined. She was confident, very straightforward and her decisions were very meticulous and rational. She truly stood out from the crowd of women, in those days. She inspired my dad to take up his Masters in Surgery, while she went on to look after me and my brother. I was always a mom’s boy!

I never allowed her to go anywhere alone. I remember tagging along with her for church on Fridays and Sundays. She was very religious. Every time, my dad, brother or me walked out of the house, she would mutter the Holy Mary prayer. She loved Mother Mary of Vailankanni more than her life… Every year she used to go for the flag hoisting day in Vailankanni.

She was so determined that we should have to buy a house for our family and we bought it on loan. I was pampered by her more, than my brother. May be because she quit her job when I joined the school. She used to come to the school, during lunch hours, to feed me everyday. She never allowed me to eat cold, not-so-tasty food. As my friend Saravana puts it in this post, she would bring the latest cricket scores for us daily and becomes a mom to everyone around, forcing them to eat well. My whole class liked her as she cared for every one of them. She knew everyone by name.

She never said “no” to me and I have never lied to her. I used to give her a blow-by-blow account of my school days, lying in her lap, everyday! She encouraged me and my brother in every damn thing we were interested in. My interest in music, football and Table Tennis… There are so many. The reading habit came from her. She was a voracious reader and loved Lakshmi, Kalki and Sujatha (in that order). The first book she gave me was Ponniyin Selvan and that triggered my reading passion, which stands at next to crazyness now. 🙂

She loved Balachander’s movies. Initially I never allowed her to go for movies. Then she started taking me along with her for watching movies. Although I didn’t understand much of movies then, I think it’s her passion and my dad’s liking for English movies have contributed to making me the kind of a movie buff I’m these days.

I was told that she didn’t know cooking when she got married! You would not believe that if you had eaten out of her hands. Her delicacies, especially the crab masala and viral fish curry, still lingers on my taste buds.

She made sure that I will go to every tour that my school organised, because she loves travelling. Sadly, she never had the chance or time for travelling at her will. Like all mothers, she was trying to make her dreams come through me. She used to sit with me with a prayer book in hand, whenever I was afraid to sleep alone in my room. There was not a day, when she had gone to bed before I fell asleep.

As she was a nurse, she had easy access to over-the-counter medicines and she practised self-medication whenever she had a cold or fever. This habit is one of the prime reasons for her Kidney Failure. I never understood what her problem was initially. When I was in my 9th and 10th grade, I understood the seriousness of the health issue. Kidney failure is one of the worst ailments for human body and dialysis is one of the most painful treatments physically and visually. Once I saw her undergoing dialysis and I cried alone in my room after that. I never went back to that hospital room again whenever she underwent the treatment. It was emotionally very tiring.

She slowly became weak and more sick over the next few years. Sometimes she would suffer from high fever that she would not be able to bear the cold and a few moments later you would find her sweating. She was allowed to eat only 0.5 Mg of salt daily. And she would ask me, her sister or cousins to give a little more of salt, which we can’t. Sometimes I too would eat without salt. I used to feed her my food.. Those are some poignant moments of life which I won’t ever forget in my lifetime.

During the 10th grade holidays, I had to be in Tanjore, when she was taken to Chennai for a series of possible kidney transplant tests. That’s the longest time frame I stayed away from my mom, until then. When my matric results were out, I wanted to see my mom and when I saw her, I ran towards her madly to hug her and she hugged me and planted me with a kiss in the forehead. I can’t explain that happiness in words…

Mom and Me

She refused to undergo the kidney transplantation, as it was very complicated for her. In fact, she didn’t want a third party donor. She wanted someone from the family and none suited her needs. She came back to tanjore and focussed on various pilgrim tours. She went to Bangalore to see the child Jesus church and the Ulsoor mother Mary church. She wanted to go to Chalakudy prayer centre. Her health was so critical that it was impossible for her to be without dialysis for 7 days. Yet she insisted in going. A woman of will. My dad, my newly married cousin and his wife accompanied her to the divine mediation centre in Kerala.

July 24 1998, I had a sleepless night. Nightmares! I somehow pushed myself to the chemistry tuition classes in the morning. The teacher asked “when is your mom back?”, I said ” tomorrow” with a smile. It was a Saturday. I don’t eat on Saturday mornings, a practice that was taught by my mom, owing to a ritual to mother Mary. I went to school. It was to be only for half a day, as the sports day was coming up .. I was in no mood to play and I was sitting alone when my librarian came.. He announced that my cousin has come to see me. His eyes were red. I was surprised to see my cousin there in school, who went with my mom. Suddenly it struck me that something isn’t right. “dei yeppada vantha, mummy yeppadi irukkanga” He didn’t answer that. Instead asked me to follow him to our house. The walk from the school to my house was utterly gut-wrenching. And in eerie silence.

A few people have already gathered around at home, when I reached. I guessed that it’s going to be the worst day of my life. I went into the bedroom to see my mom lying lifeless. A smile lingered on her face. The last of her expressions. I felt my knees weakening, and somehow managed to walk out of the room. I held the wall behind. Just sat there for sometime. Then I stood up, came out to see people hugging me. My Anni asked me to cry out loud. I said “I will not. She doesn’t like me crying”. I never cried the whole day. I paced up and down the backyard. My whole Class came to see her. Teachers, friends, I answered all of them without crying. Strange relatives even termed me ‘stone hearted’ because I refused to cry! They didn’t know that while they had lost just another person in family, I have lost my only mom.

I slept in the night exhausted. Woke up the next day for funeral. Still I didn’t cry. I stood like a stone. The mass happened in the church, I looked at Jesus and said “I loathe you because you took my mom away, when you had yours next to you.”

When they buried her, I started crying, only then I felt that she is going away from me forever. I felt a vacuum that cannot be filled ever. I had lost the lap in which I slept the most. She just left…

She never saw my successes. I know that she loves to see me win. She loves to hear people talk good about me. I was the Master of Ceremony (compere)  during my annual school-day, in my 11th grade. When every one congratulated me for doing a good job about the whole event, I glimpsed that eternal smile on my mom’s face.

I missed her throughout my life ever since she left me. I missed  her when I chose my UG. I missed her when I chose my PG. I missed her when I got my first salary as I wasn’t even lucky to buy her a saree. I missed her when I took the decision of leaving my first love. I missed her when I won my first quiz. I missed her when I did my first quiz as a quiz master. I missed her when people say I am intelligent. I missed her when I lost heart in losing quizzes. And I miss her the most now, when I want to live again. I know I will always miss her.

People said that god loved her so much and that’s why he took her to be with him. I say “Hey God, whoever you are, whether you exist or not, just know that I loved her a lot more than you loved her. That’s true and you know it too.”

“Mom, I don’t believe in life after death. Yet if you have a chance, be my daughter. I would love to love you the way you loved me. Happy Birthday Mom. I love you wherever you are. Just know that I miss you more than ever now.”

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Sylvian

Posted by Sylvian

Marketing Analyst by profession, a quizzer by passion, a blogger by choice, a poet by chance, a non-conformist by gene and a rebel by birth

29 Comments

  1. Oh Patrick. So moving.

    You are lucky to have had a mother who loved you so much and inspired you.

    She was lucky to have been loved by so much by her son.

    Reply

  2. Wow.. I'd have been honoured to know her..

    She must be so proud of you now, man. For the awesome guy that you are now!

    Reply

    1. Thanks Joe.. She would have been happy to meet you too. And don't forget to tell your mom that you love her whenever you feel so. I always felt that we never say it to our moms

      Reply

  3. Hi Patrick,
    this is shobha here.. shalini's cousin.. your love for ur mom and the way u have narrated each and everthing really moved me.. i was in tears for a long time.. since even i have lost my mom three years ago.. you were sooooooooo lucky to cry atleast when she was bureid.. My fate was such that i was not even there for the funeral…… so unlucky me…
    i really know what it is to miss a loving and caring mother..
    only time can heal us..

    Reply

    1. Hi Shobha Thanks for the comment.. I can't say anything more as you know it like i knew it..

      Reply

  4. Syl!

    Absolutely touched. I dunno what to more say.

    Reply

  5. Saravanan Jeyakumar March 19 at 4:39 am

    Hi Pat

    Was just moved by your post. Speechless……………………..Wordless…………………….

    Reply

    1. Thanks Saravana…Something which i wanted to write for a long time

      Reply

  6. Syl! Very touching post.

    I'm calling my mom now. And I'm praying you have your daughter soon.

    Reply

    1. Thanks Sreelesh.. Daughter..? Hmm yes if i marry the girl I love 😉

      Reply

  7. I am in my office. I read this and there was tears rolling down my eyes….
    I dunno why the tears…
    Is it coz, u don’t have ur best friend in this world or is it coz I am still happy that I still have her…
    I remember that fateful day Pat…
    Every moment of it…
    She always had pleasant words for me…
    I remember the day we were all gathered for Tamil Iyya’s wedding and she came out and spoke to me and us all.
    I remember waving to you and her whenever I would pass by your house to Nanjikottai.
    She may not be here physically but her words and thoughts are as fresh as a newly blossomed Rose in my heart.
    I pray lord almighty that she is accorded the best and highest of heavens that she deserves.

    Reply

    1. Thanks Zaku for the comment. I am happy that all of you have a sweet memory of her and how she has made a place for herself in all your hearts.

      Reply

  8. very touching she will be proud of you sir

    Reply

  9. Am touched! Two things I could relate to in this post: Mom and July 24. For it was on the same day (a different year) that I lost mine! And the world did fall apart. Take cheer, you'll have a 2nd chance when you tend to your daughter:)

    Reply

    1. Thanks Vidya.. No words to describe the loss of a mom. I can understand how you would have felt while reading the post

      Reply

  10. dai patrick..the post was unique and deep in emotions….wasn't able to think of anything …but the memories of your mom, the little moments that i've seen her and met her came in my mind,,…..,there's always a "could've been" factor in our lives..this feeling of the ultimate loss tops everything….but remember to take it in a way which is progressive for you and your environment just like the way you have taken it already……let there not be any more of these eerie could've been factors in your life and also other's life..i wish and hope that let everyone takes out that could've been factor from their lives…
    always with you dude
    sakthi

    Reply

    1. Dei Sakthi, thanks for the comment. Its not a could have been factor which i was speaking about in the post. I missed her on her birthday and i wanted to express it. Blog is my form of expression and I wouldn't have lived if i hadn't moved on in my life. 🙂

      Reply

  11. Revathyeaswar March 29 at 11:12 am

    i'm not even sure whether i have the right to comment here.. but damn it, ur post made me cry..
    It was such a honest , moving post..
    All I could say is, ur daughter would be very lucky, and both of u will see ur mom in each other . 🙂

    I'm really happy that i wandered through ur blog today..

    Reply

    1. Revathy, you have every right to comment about here. I hope i have a daughter and I am really happy that you read this post. Please do call your mother or if you have her with you – convey that you love her. That's the best thing you can do for my blog post 🙂

      Reply

  12. […] My life changed after my mom’s demise.I just left that my first love was a distant dream. I still didn’t get the courage to talk to her. I moved on. Did my engineering and met my best friend in college. S got in to a girl’s college in the same town. We never got a chance to meet. Final year, after I got admission in to my MBA, I accompanied my friend for Honeywell Campus in a near by college. My friend is from Mech Engg and a girl in Mech dept is a rarity. We were sitting in the tree shade fighting at each other as we always do, when I heard a sweet voice calling “Patrick”. I just turned back to see S in white churidhar (man she knew how to dress). I sprung up with a big smile on my face (my friend said I was drooling) and started chatting with S. We were just chatting about college, work, MBA etc but my heart was not beating faster, nor my mouth was dry. I could see her eyes and speak. My eyes never moved to her beautiful lips nor it noticed the curl in her hair. I realised I have moved on. I shook my hands with her and turned back to see my friend with the most fieriest eyes in the world. She just said “hop in the bike. We are going home”. Whatever she spoke or did is censored here but I understood that girls are very possessive (painful guys). […]

    Reply

  13. Dear , Happen to read Your memories, Even my self cannot contol the suffering you have boldly narrated the feelings. God is jealous and selfish to take sincere and affectionate lady to heaven leaving us to suffer. As Mary Av ea she will be with you always. She will be happy watching your activities. .

    Reply

  14. Really Iwas very much impressed by your post. Affectionate mother , Guide, Philosopher more than that Helping hand . She will be always with you and watching your growth in your profession and will be your God .

    Reply

  15. I won't say much as I believe it's not very nice to 'comment' on such pieces. I just want to say that your mom was such a wonderful human being (like all moms are 🙂 )… she is (i will use the present tense because she is still very much with you) very lucky to have a son like you just for all the love and respect you have for her… 🙂

    Reply

  16. I dont know wat to say.
    All i can leave here is my wish that your wishes be granted. 🙂

    Reply

  17. […] முன்னிட்டு தன் அம்மாவை பற்றி ஒரு மனதை உருக்கும் இடுகையின் இணைப்பை பகிர்ந்து […]

    Reply

  18. I didnt read this for a long time. When I did, I cried 🙁

    Reply

    1. Thanks Subs.. Did you tell your mom that you love her ? 🙂

      Reply

  19. Truly touched. I am at loss of words. She must be a proud woman now, seeing you from high up!

    Reply

  20. Vasanthi Nagappan August 30 at 12:11 am

    Your mum is truly blessed to have a son such as yourself. The way you have articulated your relationship with her, have me all teared up. Am sure she is smiling from the heavens above 🙂

    Reply

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