Update: The supreme court hasn’t passed a judgement yet but only an observation on the case but looking at the observation it looks like it will  be judged in favour of Khushboo but they have spoken about pre-marital sex and live-in relationships. This is because i had a comment regarding it. Her case is just a trigger to the post and not the basis. I have changed the judgement as observation. You can get more info in the following link – http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article7074875.ece

My thoughts on marriage have always been criticized by my family and peers (don’t see the comments, the arguments usually happen offline). Yesterday I watched “We the People” in NDTV on the topic “Happily Unmarried?” which had some wonderful view points on marriage and relationships. Although my fondness towards Barkha Dutt has deteriorated over the years especially after 26/11, I like “We the People” concept as it brings out some real thoughts from real people.

Why this discussion first of all?

Supreme Court on a reply to a plea by Tamil Actress Khusboo has come out with a consequential observation on March 24th. Khusboo in an interview to an English Magazine in 2008 had said that “there is nothing bad about pre-marital sex and it’s a personal decision of individuals” which eventually triggered a slew of protests from fundamental groups and political parties in Tamil Nadu. There were 22 civil and criminal cases against her in different courts of Tamil Nadu. Her plea to High Court to quash the cases were turn down and she had to appeal to supreme court.

The Supreme court in an observation said that “even the Hindu gods, Lord Krishna and Radha, were cohabiting lovers rather than man and wife. “When two adult people want to live together, what is the offense?” they said. “Living together is not an offense. Living together is a right to life.” And they crticised all the cases against Khusboo questioning the attitude of accusers and asked for proof on how Khusboo’s statement affected the young minds (Sourced from Timesonine.co.uk More on the observation)

So the discussion in NDTV and the judgment of Supreme Court triggered this post. Disclaimers before putting my viewpoints

1. Living Together here means two people in love and want to live together without the legal binding of marriage according to the marriage laws of India or any other country. Live in relationships here doesn’t mean casual flings, pre-marital and post-marital affairs

2. Marriage here means legal marriage either by consensus of two adults or an arranged marriages by the mutual consent of families (although my definition of marriage is different )

3. I am not speaking for any of my friends or family. All the views are my own and I stand by them. I am neither married nor living in with my partner so what ever i have written is all based on observations.

Let’s face some facts. The percentage of arranged marriages in India is  70% (enormous – Sourced from Love will follow by Shaifalil Sandhya). The number of broken love are many and they usually happen because either of them leave the relationship because of an emotional bonding with parents. Even the so-called educated upper middle class in India doesn’t approve of love marriages. Arranged marriages in India happen based on caste, clan, religion, familial ties, status, business and even for honour. In fact most of the love marriages in India are accepted by parents only when both of them are from same caste, religion or status. “If two adults want to live together, why can’t they in an independent democratic country” – a pertinent question that has no answers in this country. Marriages are beyond two individuals in India and that’s why I don’t believe in it.

 

A relationship in my terms are between two individuals and it’s for the two individuals to decide whether to live together or marry or even stay as friends forever co-habit in the same house with or without being physically attached.I was in love too and I was thinking marriage is the end of it all. But I had to face the reality when it broke because of the same old reasons of broken love in this country. I started thinking about marriages in India. I was pressurized by family to get married. My profile was floated around and even my dad has a Bharat Matrimony profile for me. Even then they were settling down for the same religion, caste and status. Never wanted to go beyond.

I never believed in arranged marriages. I never found a point in it because i never found genuineness  in the arranged bonding of two people. Love after marriage is impossible proposition in my life. It would be an suicide where I would live half dead all through my life.

The biggest problem of marriages especially in India is the loss of individuality. A person loses his or her identity in marriage at some point or other. And Indian marriages give a raw deal to women more than the men. And eventually the fairer sex who lose their identity and individuality in the process. Yes, people claim that they are happy after marriage but how many of the married women have achieved what they intended to achieve before marriage? If they have achieved, what’s the time frame it took them to achieve them? Indian marriages are based on compromises and compromises are made in a way that it changes the life of the people involved especially women folk in marriage.

The biggest advantage of live-in relationships is that the individuality of both the partners will be preserved. They don’t need to change their career aspirations, tastes, life style or even day to day living habits. The relationship stays between the two and not obligated to family of either. In India, you are not married to a person, you are married to a family. In a live in, you are in a relationship to an individual and not a family.

When I was discussing it with a friend, she said “How about a perfect marriage where the individuality of both the partners are preserved?”

Yes it’s perfectly possible and I have seen a few marriages which provides equal space to both without compromises in life and the changes they incur are willful and which doesn’t kill their individuality in the name of love or family. But it’s a rarity. In real terms, it’s a dream marriage (be it love or arranged). Even in such a case there is a problem called “ownership problem”

The moment when people say “I do” in whatever language they say, they take it as “I own you”. The general perception of men and women who enter in to marriage is that they have every right to know everything about the partner which I would call “invasion of personal space”. I believe every individual has a personal circle around them and they want have certain secrets to themselves. The other person trying to get in to that space in the name of love is dangerous until and unless they allow you to. Even then I would say it’s not right.

A live-in relationship starts on this very basis – Yes, we are in a relationship but it doesn’t mean you can come in to my space and mine in to you. People live together because they love each other and not because they own each other. The sense of ownership is the biggest issue I see in marriage and love.

I can hear voices asking “So you will live-in with a girl?”
For me marriage is a ritual – a mere string tying or ring exchanging ceremony. I would love to live with a girl whom I love and not invade in to her own personal space, help preserve her individuality, enjoy each others growth as an individual and live a life of love. Call it marriage, love or live-in relationship, What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

A question to all of you – If you are not married, Will you be ready to lose your identity and individuality in the name of love and marriage?

If you are married, have you lost your identity and individuality in the name of love and marriage?

Comment anonymous if you like to 🙂

navya
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Sylvian

Posted by Sylvian

Marketing Analyst by profession, a quizzer by passion, a blogger by choice, a poet by chance, a non-conformist by gene and a rebel by birth

45 Comments

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  2. Dilip Muralidaran March 30 at 10:42 am

    Well said. Marriages in india are all about pleasing your parents, your parents commitment to their society and their religion. It is so irrelevant and impractical it sounds insane.

    Reply

    1. Thanks for the comment Dilip. Moreover when you talk how irrelevant this particular institution you are banished as a impractical fool who live for his one's own ideals. I dunno why people couldn't accept the fact that the idea called marriage is insane

      Reply

  3. nope! i wudnt be ready 2 lose my identity!! anyways nice post! =)

    Reply

    1. Thanks for the comment Lakshana..I think almost all of them would not want to lose their identity but most of them forced to

      Reply

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  5. An interesting take, actually questioning the basic foundation of a lot of presumptions we do in a marriage and thereby the invasion of privacy.

    Hmm … am actually waiting to see the flurry of comments "Against" your theory too … 🙂 and then your reply …..

    Love these observations ….
    // Indian marriages are based on compromises and compromises are made in a way that it changes the life of the people involved especially women folk in marriage.//
    //But it’s a rarity. In real terms, it’s a dream marriage (be it love or arranged).// (like the ideal test conditions in an bike advert)
    //People live together because they love each other and not because they own each other.//

    Reply

    1. Thanks for the comment Ram and I do expect that flurry of comments from a lot of people especially from my family and close friends. But I am open to arguments and I wrote what i felt 🙂

      Reply

  6. Martina Veena Thomas March 30 at 12:21 pm

    I'm all for love marriage…… and believe in love at first sight….. It's a good read, definately, but wouldn't second it…….

    Reply

  7. Nice Post but I am not for it. There are always bad things about a marriage, which can always happen in a LIVE-IN relationship as well. Marriages provide an additional security to either party.

    Not able to comment further had a lot of points

    Reply

  8. Horoscope Matches:
    You have left one other aspect that goes into marriages, verifying horoscopes. There is a lot of research into this, even-though there are arguments around, to prove it wrong, I accept that stars play a role in a persons destiny and arranged marriages with a horoscope match will make the couple understand each other and live.

    Reply

  9. Not ALL Arranged Marriages Fail:
    Compromise is a Part of Life, even in a LIVE-IN it is necessary.
    You are greedy – Not willing to share your property with your partner even.
    There is no law that I know, states that you need to share your property with the person with whom you live-in. (If you consider money is a part of life)

    I agree with you on //People live together because they love each other and not because they own each other.// But

    A relationship is about LOVING and not OWNING. Why isn't it possible in marriages. Though your generalization is right, Nothing here is specific to marriages, Even a love relationship has a lot of OWNING stuff – THIS is related to individual behaviors. If you believe this, Get married and do what you believe about a relationship. Individuals can only break or continue LOVE.
    Sometimes owning is a sense of security. You as an individual can like 10 others to dump the one who loves only you. What is the answer you have for her when you decide to DUMP.

    @lakshana How do u feel, you will lose your identity. Sometimes your identity will never be established at all. Do you think the person you along with your parents chose will spoil your life goals and even after being fully convinced the man you chose was right for you? Not getting into a relationship or LIVE-IN will not help with you maintaining your identity either.

    @Dilip Muralidharan You are right and I have no counters against this. However, let me also tell you within the confined limits it is you who makes the choice.

    Reply

    1. Sorry for my late reply to your comments. I had to collate all your thoughts in to one and am trying to reply to it.

      1. I have accepted that not all marriages fail be it love or arranged marriage because I have observed successful marriages too. But as I have put it's a rarity. Who said people are not ready to part the property or money in live in relationship, in fact the live in relationships that I have encountered have common finances and the only thing is the useless Indian law never allows live-in couples to have certain privileges of married couple like a couple who said in NDTV when the guy was not allowed to nominate his partner as the nominee in insurance policy and the lady was not allowed to buy a car in his name. Is it the mistake of the couple or the age old Indian law. I hope supreme court takes some decisions in this issue.

      2. A live-in relationship doesn't start in a day. Almost all the live-in couples are lovers or friends for ample amount of time before they decide to live together. So they know each others positives and negatives before they enter in to the relationship. I don't say it never fails. It fails but the exit barrier in a marriage is huge. This exit barrier bound by family, society forces a huge majority of men and women to live a life of denial and depression. I dunno why a person has to live with another person if you are not happy with him – just for the sake of society. Don't you think it's madness? The independence of choice to live in a live-in relationship is what I admire

      3. Compromises are part of life – yes it's sweet when it's willful and mutual but that's not the reality in Indian marriages. Only one partner are forced to compromise and in India it's mostly the women folk – how many women have lost their jobs they loved so much just for the sake of marriage? How many women had to kill their dreams just because they got married? Don't you think it's atrocious. There can be compromises in life but not life of compromises. I personally will not allow my partner to make compromises for me. If live-in will give that freedom for her, I will go for it – that's what I say.

      4. Owning gives you security? Do you know that's the main aspect for fights in a relationship? The doubts, obsessions, marital abuse, marital rapes all start with one thing called "ownership". Definitely can't take your argument on it.

      5. Romance is only a part of life. A live-in relationship need not start with romance alone and it is more than sexual. Two friends can live together and may be later they can fall in love or even part if they want to. Will your marriage allow that? Exactly in 10 months, you will be pressurized to have a child. I know a couple who wanted have a child little later but they had to yield to the pressures of the family ( can't reveal who it is)

      6. Hor(ror)scope? Please I dunno how a person's life can be decided on squares. Yes I do have the curiosity and do pattern matching with people born in same month but other than that it's just ******

      7. And above all marriage changes your life but live-in preserves the indviduality of the person

      Reply

      1. “. . . but live-in preserves the indviduality of the person.”

        I definitely cannot agree with this. Any relationship is bound to alter an individual.

        Reply

        1. Bragadeesh Prasanna August 22 at 6:29 pm

          Correct Correct

          Reply

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  11. Sir,

    Discussion is after getting the facts right. You begin from the premise that the Supreme Court passed a jdugement. Where is the judgment ? did you read it ?

    There is no such judgment. During the hearing, the Supreme Court judges made some comments. That is all.

    And most importantly, neither Khusboo not the Supreme Court is dealing with live-in habitation of couples. They are dealing with persons invloving in sex before marriage. You are so debating about an issue thats not involved in the issue !

    Reply

    1. Hi Mr. Sriram I agree that they haven't passed a judgement on Khusboo's Case. I have changed the words to observation which they have done eventually. In the observation they have said about live in relationships and pre marital sex. You can read it in the following link from Times online – Reply

  12. I do not think there is a difference between Love or Arranged Marriage and Live in except for the fact that getting out Live-in is comparatively easier than off a marriage when something goes wrong. I would generalize it as many would not give up any relationship easily unless it becomes really troublesome. If it is going to be the case may it be the marriage or live-in one has to get out of a relationship.

    Coming to love or arranged marriage, it is all one's mindset thinking that one could be better. In a love marriage one has set up his/her mind to adjust with the flaws of the other before marriage, same happens with arranged marriage when people wants to get into it.

    You have mentioned that Live In is between two individuals. I believe that is not very much prevailing in this country where pampering children (even if they are adults) is common till parents are alive.

    @dashokkumar you have mentioned that "within confined limits it is you who makes the choice" @dilip The limits are so close that choice becomes an illusion (not in all cases but in considerable number of cases)..

    Reply

    1. I accept that the exit barriers are not there in live-in relationships and people will exit a relationship only on adverse situations – whatever the relationship is

      And the parents pampering is the biggest flaw of Indian society as we don't condition the children for the realities of life. The people who take the decision of living together are individuals who take their own decisions

      Reply

  13. How easy is it to get in to a LIVE-IN Relationship:
    It is not that easy to get into a relationship and live-in as you mentioned. Probably you must be a romantic guy who can attract the opposite sex with ease, and live a life of romance. Not all can be a romantic like you. Why don't you consider arranged marriages are for people like them who cannot afford to be a romantic like you?

    Reply

  14. A Live-In cannot be a life of Understanding:
    A Live-In relationship can never be a life of complete understanding for all. Consider initial fights over trivial matters can let the husband or wife to compromise and understand the other. This is not that easy when you Live-In he/she just moves away when things are not acceptable. Life is not about having positives all the time, there is a lot of negatives in every individual and sometimes a bonding like marriage is necessary. This allows one to be his/her own self.

    Reply

  15. Nice Post.I agree with your point, because i don't believe in marriage institution. 'But what about children. Child will face social problems when they grow.Even if you are in a live-in relationship you will get committed when you get a child. Can you please differentiate your point between open-relationship and live-in relationship.

    Reply

    1. Hi Ela, thanks for the comment. Open relationship is the one where either of the partners have freedom to have an emotional or physical relationship with another partner whereas in a live-in relationship the partners are committed to each other which means they will not have physical or emotional relationship with others. The commitment in a live-in is the same as that of a commitment in a love relationship.

      About the children – yes it will be a problem with the society but it is evolving slowly in India with single parents etc. But when the legal aspects get cleared, it will give a better clarity. For instance i saw two children in the NDTV program who have live -in parents.

      Reply

  16. Paruvam vanda anaivarume Kadhal kolvadhillai
    Kadhal konda anaivarume Manam mudippadillai
    Manam muditha anaivarume sernthu vazhvadillai
    Serndhu vazhlum anaivarume serndhu povathillai

    So my friend how can one ever say living in wrong or marriage is right…

    The choice belongs to individuals. So any one who wished to have a live in relationship with a girl or vice versa needs no retification from society or parents…

    U were born to live ur life, so try and live urs not ur parents' or societies…

    Reply

  17. well pretty interesting stand on the topic..

    Whether i marry or i stay with my partner without an agreement or a sacred mangalsutra… what one looks forward for is same, it is life that is easy and compatible.

    Live in relations in my opinion would have started when contracts became binding … and once people found their compatibility level go down , they had to walk out for a new life the legal bond of marriage made things slow/difficult.

    The problems i mean is – unwanted children or sexual assaults ..

    So in a live in relation , one gets to have a feel of how compatible one is …. and then decide

    I do not think live in is wrong . But surely wouldn't want that for me 🙂 … i am a bit skeptical about this only because when one is in a live in and do not choose a right person ( leave compatibility ) there are more chances that one may lose out on so many things if the person turned out to be a nightmare !!! ( hope u got ma point)

    Again not that marriages assure that there will not be any problems, it still is a bit more stronger a clause than the one where no legal bind is there…

    🙂 anyways if all is going fine , live in or marriage – both are perfectly fine 🙂 !!

    Reply

  18. There is no better place to look up about marriage(and family life in general) than Ramayana. It's really sad that marriage has deteriorated into a child production mission, loosing all sanctity emphasized by texts like Ramayana, which is the main reason behind their failures. These days, the families believe that they're doing it for proliferating their race and the tendency is no different from the "planned breeding exercise" for cows and dogs. They expect the relationship to be productive WTF. Every time the parents phone their sons/daughters home, they'll never fail to enquire about (what they call) good news. And sometimes the requirements are declared on the marriage day itself – I need a son/daughter. It's enough if we educate the parents and other family members that our life will be as per our own choice. I'm for routine marriages with mandatory horoscope matching. About horoscopes – believe me there are really intelligent and truthful things about it that our puny minds will hesitate to accept.

    Live-in is for those complicated souls who can't express themselves fully in their first meeting. Being a complicated soul myself, I don't need so much time to express myself. I'll hardly need 20 minutes to brain wash someone about me and another 20 minutes to get their minds out. It's the same marketing/salesman spirit that keeps everything moving. If you're stubborn or adamant or unimaginably complicated to spell yourself out then you'll have problems in any type of relationship. When someone willingly submits to us in the name of marriage, why think of other options??

    Reply

  19. Dr. Gour Mohanty June 6 at 1:57 am

    Thanks for your thoughtful views.Live-in relationship preserves your individuality apparently.And yet,are not the two bonded ,well,in some degree , may not be for this life and hereafter ,which has been the traditional Hindu concept!And this bondage,however lose,fleeting and brittle ,both may try to maintain , does take away a part of one's individuality .This is the truth.Any form of an attachment colors the Individuality with the color of the object of attachment,however imperceptible it may be on the surface.History has it that people have been more attached to their mistresses than the wedded wife,and a lot of such stuff are found in Vaishnav literatures in what is termed as 'Parakiya'.

    Reply

  20. Gokul Krishnan April 22 at 6:44 pm

    You have to define ‘Individuality’ over here. If by ‘Individuality’ you mean identity., it changes over a period of time. Marriage/Live-in relationship just acts as a catalyst on how it changes ( i guess depends on your spouse ).
    Yes, Marriage does impose some sort of societal norms that a couple is asked to follow. But is sure doesn’t change individuality of a person.

    Like the line of thought though 🙂

    Reply

  21. I think the trend is changing. Yes our culture still does not allow an “live in” relationship, however I feel that parents are trying to understand of what their children want. I think the biggest problem lies under the relationship between a parent and a child. This relationship has to evolve immensely for both to get a better understanding. I think it is slowly evolving and parents are willing to accept their children s choices in life.

    Call me old school, but if I had to pick I would prefer my parents wishes unless i am 1000 % right about my life partner. I m a true believer in destiny, and hey ! if one cannot get the person that they love today, it was meant to be. I lost someone very special in a car accident, I had planned my whole life with him, but life had other plans. It’s hard, it cannot be forgotten, but it can be hidden. Similarly if a relationship does not work due to parents “fair” disapproval life doesnt need to stop.

    It s funny how we can move on when a mutual break up or when ur bf/gf breaks up with you, and when ones parents disapproval comes into play, we blame them.

    Good post Pat, But i do hope your beliefs change in the future about marriage. Because that girl is gonna be damn lucky! 🙂

    Reply

  22. hi Sylvian,

    You said “The sense of ownership is the biggest issue I see in marriage and love”. !!!! Yes, Marriage for ages has been based on what you said. If u were in a live in relationship, and ur partner slept with another person, what would u do??? accept tat its a live in relationship and continue????
    Marriage is when two individuals understand each other and make sacrifices to make each other happy. There is no invasion of personal space because there each is an open book.

    Reply

    1. Hi Suresh
      Thanks for the comment. If it has been the same for ages, does it mean that we should accept and not question it. What would you do if your wife sleeps with another person? the infidelity and lack of commitment comes in any relationship – doesn’t matter whether its love, marriage or live-in relationship. The tie of thali doesn’t guarantee you the commitment. My argument is commitment is based on the heart not on the string you tie or the rituals that happen.

      In a live-in relationship, you don’t need to make sacrifices. My stance if I need to make sacrifices to keep the other person happy, I don’t need such a relationship in life and it stands on a false base. Any day people may end up thinking that all these sacrifices are waste of time. If everyone is an open book as you say, why there are rifts, fights, divorces in this country. Nobody can’t be an open book in this extremely hypocritical society

      Reply

      1. “In a live-in relationship, you don’t need to make sacrifices. ”

        I believe that NO relationship can exist without small sacrifices and compromises. Almost every relationship is based on compromises.

        “Nobody can’t be an open book in this extremely hypocritical society.”

        Well, I wouldn’t blame society and all that but I would say that sometimes it is better to let the past be. I have problems with the phrase “open book” itself. Why does one have to be an open book? There are some treasures which one would like to keep (and this is not connected to love and sex alone). Trust can be even without being an open book. Transparency and all is just bullshit.

        Reply

    2. “There is no invasion of personal space because there each is an open book.”

      Maybe one needs personal space even when one is an open book, I think. Sometimes while my husband would like to watch a movie, I would prefer lying down without doing anything. This is my space for I can do what I want. Now my husband forces me to watch the movie, when I do not want, that is invading my space.
      My husband could argue, “You aren’t doing anything, so why not watch the movie with me.”
      But for me at that time lying down without doing anything is important. I don’t want to get involved in a narrative where I am forced to think. I just want to be!!! But when my husband does not understand this, then he does not understand me at all. This can happen irrespective of whether he knows everything about me. Some things are situational and hence we cannot generalise everything.

      Well, I’m invading a lot of space here 😉 and I need to force myself away from this page.

      Ciao 🙂

      Reply

  23. Hey Pat .. Had a chance this nice post from you …

    After being married for over an year now … Would definitely recommend you to get married ..!!

    Though I felt , I had to change a lot of my own habits / Make sacrifices / compromises .. Looking back I feel like It made my life look much better than it used to be. After all life is all about Giving & Taking.

    Would strongly urge you to get married soon .. 🙂

    Reply

  24. Sylvian, marriage or live-in, the woman has the same role and responsibilities. Identity of an individual also undergoes subtle changes as one goes through various stages in life. When one starts cohabitating (live-in or married), one’s identity begins to change while the basic personality remains the same. In India, marriage is something where two families come together and there is an understanding which is mutual between two individuals as well their families. If one talks only about identity and space and hence live-in, I don’t much think it will work out. While in a marriage, one learns to compromise, tackle issues and also forgiveness, etc. But in a live-in relationship, we always have the choice to walk out. Just because we have the choice to walk out, we tend to argue and over small issues and things. Marriage gives a certain boundary and spells out to the world that we are an unit and we share a bond whereas a live-in relationship has no such boundary. Sometimes sexual freedom is sought and that leads to a lot of tension.
    Live-in or legally married, the emotional quotient and investment is the same. Feelings are the same and issues are the same. While in the former, one can walk out easily, in the latter one tries hard to remain together. So, why not be married and face the same together.
    Another question would be the status of the individual after the live-in relationship breaks off. How will the persons manage? If a couple has been living for about 20 years as a live-in couple and then the man wants to call off the relationship, what about the woman. Assuming she is 48 years old and also has a child who is a teenager, what will be her chances of finding love again? Well, if she is married, she can atleast get some money for the upkeep of the child and home.
    In India, the system is much different than the Western one. While we might be quite open-minded and also claim to be radical about cohabiting without a legal document, the repurcussions are manifold. While celebrities could easily do the same, other sections of the population cannot easily do it.
    You might cite examples of cities like Bangalore, Chennai, Chandigarh and Bombay as examples of people living together without getting married but what percent? Hardly, 2-3%.
    I can also cite examples of tribal communities which have a very advanced system when it comes to love, sex and marriage than our modern system but they are tribals and we are not.

    I just went off on a tangent. Hope you forgive me.

    Thanks for raising this topic.

    Best,
    Susan

    Reply

  25. I didn’t realise that today is the 14th of Feb. What an apt day for me to see this post inspite of it having written quite some time ago.

    Reply

  26. Hi Sylvian,

    I had visited your site accidentally some time back when I googled on the topic of best tamil movies of all time. I liked your posts on the 50 best tamil movies – I never created time to read the entire content. But today after having read quite a bit on your site – I must say I like the way you write and observe. At some places I feel we think on an identical wavelength.The topics and issues which you discuss – particularly this one is a close example.

    “In fact most of the love marriages in India are accepted by parents only when both of them are from same caste, religion or status. “If two adults want to live together, why can’t they in an independent democratic country” – a pertinent question that has no answers in this country. ” I have wondered on this very question you have raised for a long time. In fact in my own case – I tried to find an answer.

    First and foremost I feel marriage or live -in , whatever that is – its just a name u give or adopt to signify a relationship. If a relationship is true and as you said , is based on an individual’s commitment from the heart, then he/she shouldn’t or in fact wouldn’t need these names. I admit its really difficult for such an open minded(i am at a loss for a more apt word) relationship to exist in our Indian system and its society which is hypocritical, BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE. Its just that you need strength of character – this is where I feel people falter.

    Loss of individuality – mostly for the womenfolk. I accept your view here that this is the biggest problem in a relationship or marriage. And except the rarest cases, women are the ones who totally compromise. But on the issue of compromises, I need to say that a relationship with a loved one( love or affection or whatever name you give for that attachment you feel) will be based on certain compromises – if they are mutual and wilful its great. Your life will change certainly . The fact that you start to live together – in itself is a change – a facet of life in which you adjust your life or your immediate space to invite that person into yours.Is that not a small compromise to start with? The essence is again mutual give and take to lead a life in a relation with a person whom you find it right to enrich, enliven your life and make it worthy, meaningful and beautiful. Here again its the strength of character of the individual – his/her ability to respect the partner’s character and views and adopt/adjust mutually. And the most interesting fact is sometimes certain compromises or certain changes you make in yourself for your partner’s sake which you may not like, in fact may turn out to your betterment. This I speak from my personal experience and is a personal observation.

    Even in a dream marriage you say there is the issue of ownership – I DO AGREE BUT NOT IN ENTIRETY. People live together because they love each other and not because they own each other. Yes, but when you love you care for the person. When you care for, when you allow his/her individuality to blossom, when you respect him/her , when you help him/her to achieve his/her goals/dreams – whatever way you want it you would willfully take interest , sometimes you might guide,sometimes you support, in essence you will have the other person’s happiness in your heart and do things for that. Does not that mean a small sense of ownership?
    On the issue of invasion of personal space of the individuals involved, I would say in any relationship , the fact that you have decided to live-in or marry or co-habit with a person means you have decided mutually to enrich your live through that relationship which in effect means the boundaries of each other’s personal spaces – emotional, physical etc have blurred a bit. Of course, i do agree that it doesnt give you the license to encroach you partner’s personal space as if you own it.
    I have simple question –
    every individual has a personal circle around them and they want have certain secrets to themselves. suppose in a relationship one person has a secret or anything which he doesn’t want to reveal even to his partner in that relationship, an issue which affects him /her emotionally, psychologically – should the other person be a spectator and leave the choice to his/her partner because invading the personal space is not right even due to love as you say? Should that not be attended to? Is that emotion which you feel for your partner or friend or lover or whatever you want to call by name wrong?
    I personally don’t feel so. A RELATIONSHIP , IF ITS BASED ON TRUE LOVE , IS LIKE AN INVISIBLE, IMMEASURABLE CIRCLE – IT BINDS YOU BUT KNOWS NO BOUNDS. YOU CAN CALL IT LOVE.

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  27. I dont see the big deal about “Living In”. But what you said is true. Most of them, specially women, tend to lose their identity along with their dreams and aspirations and they have to compromise on anything and everything. An interesting view.

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    1. Thanks Ashwini for your Comment. That’s one of my old posts which is still giving people to pick on me 🙂 My request to all my women friends including you, don’t lose your identity at any cost. I tell you marriage is not worth that sacrifice 🙂

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  28. this entire blog feels like a haunted house written by a darth vadar who has gone to the dark side.

    i’m against live in relationships. i think such people are escapists and don’t genuinely love each other. they’re just using each other to get what they want. i’m also against pre marital sex. i know of couples who never engaged in such and are very happy with each other after marrying. its very sad india has degenerated like this. coming from a community of doctors, i’ve been made aware of the damaging physical and emotional consequences of such relationships. there are many diseases that are transmitted, afterall that is how aids spread. people become emotionally unstable. a movie or tv show is not going to be real on such things, they just want to use sex to sell their product which is the show or the film. movie directors are not interested in the well being of their audience. they just use them to get cash. shock their minds with obscene things so that you remember his name next time you chose to watch a film.

    my med school friends told me of the people they had to treat engaged in premarital sex who got the most nastiest diseases that were too gross to even look at. rarely people think about the medical consequences to anything they do. that is where bacteria and viruses heavily populate because well you go to the bathroom through that area. idealize it as much as you like that is the most unclean bacterial viral, left over urine blood fecal matter yeast infested area of the body. the area where all the foul waste products are eliminated is of interest to you? i think there are better ways to express oneself .

    i’m confident to say you never loved anyone before even though you claim you have. you are not capable of loving another because you don’t desire to love anyone ever. females are like cheap thrills for you. you have no genuine concern for their well being but you pretend to be so to disguise your real evil intents. you’re only interested in their bodies so you can get some daily dose of medication to manage problems with your consciousness which conventional medications have failed to do. you are arrogant and want to act superior to females to make yourself feel better for your otherwise low opinion of yourself. you don’t want females to one up you , you always want to one up females. whatever you write and whatever you claim to be for are just masks for you own evil agenda which you don’t want others to know of. you will use religion, art, music whatever it may be that seems good to the public eye to disguise you own bad intentions in order to get away with them.

    you never loved her (or them). you can get drunk until the acid eats at your organs like a devdas man. you can play the same sad songs over and over again until your hearing becomes numb and your stomach sickens and your ear hairs grow long and dense as a defense.. you can grow a beard so thick that birds begin to nest inside of it like an oru thalai ragam or vazhve mayam man. you can eat so much food to the point that a rope has to be tied around your waist to hold your dhoti in place because you have become that obese. you can write as many letters as you like until your hair rapidly turns gray seeming as if many decades have passed when only it was just few years. you can ignore your own birthday, smell foul like sewage canal, and curse like a gunda until your tounge gets bit by its own teeth (ouch). you can roll around on the ground crying in self pity, i will just walk right over you and have my chepel fall on your face for that final touch. you can say you’ll end it all like devdas did, a long drawn out suicide because no one will let you have the immediate one… you can act as if life cheated you but it was you who cheated the sacredness of life.
    one emotional hit to a female is a 1000 hits back to you. such is karma. you can do all these acts to elicit pity from others as if you were wronged, but this is only to disguise the fact that you wronged her. you never loved her. you are not capable of loving another because you don’t desire to love anyone ever.

    anbu, pasam, nesam, kadhal, whatever the varying shades (kadhal the most stupid), its only about sex to you and nothing else. sex is a drug that’s it. it means nothing else to you.
    and like in siggapu rojakal one female after another female you go through, and then bury them in your mental graveyard.

    everything else you speak is a lie. is it possible for someone to go through life and never know what love is even at age 98? yes. because they never understood their own self. adi shankara is right , everything we need we already have and whenever we seek anything outside of ourselves it is false. there are many great sages females and males who never desired anything from anyone and were so content.

    you never loved her. you are not capable of loving another because you don’t desire to love anyone ever.

    Reply

  29. i don’t like films and don’t watch them anymore. siggapu rojakal was an awful film. many children suffer in childhood, yet that film was the wrong way to address the problem. sri devi was correct in asking why you have the wrong thinking on everything?

    i don’t like films, perhaps i like certain moments in a film, maybe a few minutes or seconds, but not a film itself. but out of everything i have seen, this is the one thing that i truly liked in entirety.

    i recommend you watch it and contrast it with siggapu rojakkal. i especially loved the music. this film had no romance in it (horray like it should be) there are other methods of self expression that touch on the mind/heart (manam the two are not separate) that transcend matter…

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taare_Zameen_Par

    Reply

  30. Was enjoying your reviews on the movie Pizza and landed on this page, it’s a good read. Havent gone through the comments, yet guessing you would have been already bashed enough by pro-marriage netizens.

    Marriage is an interesting concept, we dont understand why its there, or why it came into existence, and all we know is it has to be done, so we do it, quite religiously. Many women like me, enter into a marriage, with little or no clue of what its going to offer, which is still fine, Mystery is good in life. Some go into it not knowing, what they would do to themselves, for the false sense of completion.Little do they realise, it is not a milestone in their life but just a ceremony. Love itself could be one, if you take the pains of going out and finding someone who you atleast want to spend the rest of your life with. What happens later is arguable.

    For a species which runs behind securing its life, which cannot die gracefully, which cannot love intensely, Marriage is just an insurance that someone will love them for the rest of their life.

    Reply

  31. keertanya April 4 at 5:40 pm

    You have definitely hit some raw nerve mate! 🙂 As a a person who works with people day and night, looking at their hidden selves, they all the time discuss their personal details with me, and you will be surprised how selfish men can get in the name of culture. The women have a very raw deal like you mentioned.

    Reply

    1. Thanks for the comment. I wrote it based on my experiences and I think you would have seen worse cases 🙂

      Reply

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